Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.