Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
do what now??
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers