Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I don’t think my car can fly
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
That earthquake could have been an email.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*