Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Did my cat write this
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*