me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
my professor scared me for a second
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.