Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️