Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Potatoes were such a good idea

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.