Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.