Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.