Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend