me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u