@ColIegeStudent

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

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@Fred_Delicious

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@AndyAsAdjective

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@QwertyJones3

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*