Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.