Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited