Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage