Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?