Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
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Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.