Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
We need to put an American base on the sun
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble