ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
You Might Also Like
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.