@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

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@Goofpoops

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

@Dirtmill

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

@RickAaron

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.