ME: I need to return this blender
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments


Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*


I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.


Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.


Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.


She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza


I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.