me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
You Might Also Like
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree