Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself