me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*