me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af