ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.