Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”