me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Worth remembering.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
This pepper has seen some shit
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My circle of trust is a meatball
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
The point of your 20s