Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
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I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you