Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
fly smarter, not harder
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.