Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?