me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
is this store having a stroke wtf
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.