me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.