Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You had me at “define legal”.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale