ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once