Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.