Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
is it earth
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Ghost costume 😂
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Who called it baking and not making love
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands