me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
You Might Also Like
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.