me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’