Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Bruh PLEASE

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.