Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave