me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over