Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again