Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I feel it
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.