me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils