Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
starting a garage orchestra
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.