Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Tuesday
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.