Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa