me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.