Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
his wife is probably gonna see that
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
