Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My typo game is string.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.