Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Autocorrect completely socks
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?