Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I want to meet the individual who made this
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
thanks auntie mary
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.